Return to Exile.
Lessons from Eretz Yisroel.
I am happy to have returned to America after a long, adventurous trip to Israel, which concluded three weeks ago. While I intended to stay for a year, abandon my old life for a fantasy as an Israeli olim (immigrant), I now realize that G-d wants me to deal with my unfinished business before I arrive in his holy Land.
After the first week in Israel, due to my arrogant behavior, lack of compatibility with the Yeshiva system, and inability to be a team player, I was kicked out of Yeshiva.
The following is an excerpt from my journal on this topic, which has been modified for the sake of anonymity and clarity.
9/14/24 Lessons in Humility.
A week ago, probably on Sunday, I learned the unfortunate truth that I would no longer be attending Ohr Somayach Yeshiva.
Here are the reasons I was expelled.
I made crass, often dirty jokes in a very conservative religous environment.
I got lost in Jerusalem multiple times, which is a dangerous thing for an American tourist.
I can’t confirm this for sure, but I made many jokes about Ashkenazi Jews, such as impersonating their accents and using the term penguin to describe their community (based on their outfits). For example I would joke sarcasticaly that I was Joining a penguin cult.
I was also very proud of my Mizrahi heritage and was not interested in assimilating into the Lithuanian Ashkenazi customs.I never once prayed at the Yeshiva; I always went to the nearby Yemenite Synagogue. While there is nothing wrong with following my own customs, I chose not to participate in praying in the Yeshiva, which doubles as a team-building activity.
Why would they make the effort to invest in me when I have demonstrated a lack of enthusiasm for the Lithuanian Jewish customs?I was very ambitious, wanting to create a newspaper with comics as well as a Hebrew study group. I hadn’t even spent a week within the system, but I tried to change it.
Was it wrong that nobody mentioned these infractions until the day I was kicked out, thereby preventing me from knowing what I had done and from improving? Yes!
Was it wrong that they gave me initially only an afternoon to pack up and go? Absolutely, and thank G-D my mom negotiated for me to have a few more days.
Can Haredim be very uptight and inflexible? Obviously!
But I was going to Yeshiva for free, and they didn’t have to give me a chance at all.
I came with too much chutzpah and ego. I thought I was going to be some big shot, but I ended up looking like a brat.
I needed to learn humility, and hopefully I learned that humility.
But what am I supposed to do with my life now?
The Wandering Jew of Israel.
I did my best to stay in Eretz Yisroel. I didn’t want to go back to California. I was extremely jaded by the growing Islam-Unist alliance. I am saddened by the highly assimilated, divided, and nonconfrontational Jewish communities of the USA.
I was extremely shocked by the murder of Charlie Kirk, and I was terrified of a civil war awakening, and still am.
My parents supported me the best they could; they gave me money to survive and inspired me to keep trying to stay here.
I looked into other Yeshivas but realized that I was not ready to commit myself to such intense learning.
I tried to apply to the IDF for the shortened diaspora service, but due to my health history, they wouldn’t take me.
And I tried to join a kibbutz, but recognized that they’re too left-wing and anti-religious for me. I may not be very religious anymore, but when I want to practice, I want to do it authentically, without modern reforms and compromises.
While all this was happening, it was the chag. For almost a month, from Rosh Hashanah to Simchat Torah, businesses slowed down or were closed due to the holidays. Many government bureaucracies were completely unavailable.
I experienced these holidays with both my Haredi family and my Religious Nationalist family.
Wonderful people opened their homes to me, despite never having met me. I never experienced a Shabbat or any holiday without company!
And while this was happening, I briefly attended an Ulpan.
But eventually the money I had saved had dried up, and my parents understandably didn’t want to give me more.
I had eventually recognized that this dream of living in Israel was out of reach for now.
Israel is a land that spits out those it deems incompatible, like an immune system rejecting transplanted organs.
Living in Israel is among the top three most difficult mitzvot in the Torah, along with studying Torah and meriting resurrection in the world to come.
Righteous men such as the Rambam had traveled to Israel but could not remain due to their circumstances. Rambam’s tombstone reads, “From Moshe to Moshe, there arose none like Moshe.” And just likeLand Rambam, the original Moshe never lived in Israel.
Being spat out of the holy land has been a rite of passage for Jews for centuries and is nothing to be ashamed of.
Initially, I adamantly refused to return to college. While the religious establishment of Israel jaded me, I still wanted to be observant, and feared I would lose all the progress I had made spiritually if I returned.
I knew I needed to return and was okay with that, but I considered taking a low-skilled job so that I could earn enough to return and try again.
However, I then called Nefesh B’Nefesh, the Israeli organization that assists people in making Aliya, and explained my circumstances.
They told me I should go home and plan again. They also mentioned that it would be better to make Aliya after college. It would be challenging to transfer my credits internationally, and I needed to complete what I started because commitment is essential for success in Israel.
So what am I doing now?
Currently, I am preparing for the upcoming spring semester at CSU Chico. I was initially hesitant to return to a small Jewish community: no more daily minyanim, far fewer kosher options, far less religiously curious people.
But I recognize now this is just what being outside of Israel is like, and regardless of where I go, unless I am in a Haredi area or a modern orthodox area, I will have to get used to it.
I will continue my major in International Relations while starting my minor in Comparative Religions.
And most excitingly, I have adopted a puppy named Violet who will accompany me back to college.
Overall, I am very optimistic about the future. I have my eye on the ball, which would be to go to Israel.
B’ezrat hashem, I will merit living there soon.
Thank for sharing 🙏🏼